The New Yorker



  • Existential Out of Office Replies

    • “Thank you for your email. I am out of the office with limited internet. Please expect a delayed response or the deafening silence of our indifferent universe.”

  • Famous Authors' Tinder Openers

    • "Mark Twain: Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off your Gilmore Girls Netflix marathon and join me for a drink.

  • The Kombucha Manifesto

    • "It’s rumored that empty bottles of kombucha shelter the fallen souls of Lululemon employees."


Funny Or Die




The Bold Italic

  • Welcome to Brain: The Ultimate Escape Room

    • "Unlike traditional escape rooms, Brain will force you to confront the darkest challenges inside your mind, like whether you should text your ex or listen to Adele’s breathtaking 25 album for the 78th time while shedding tears onto your dying succulent."

  • The Morning Routines of San Francisco's Ultra-Average

    • "It doesn’t matter if you begin each day with yoga, SoulCycle or doing yoga while SoulCycling — having a morning routine can help you crush the day and also some pistachios if you’re into that sort of thing."


Points In Case

  • Writers With Benefits

    • "This contract hereinafter outlines the benefits that may be exchanged between two writers experiencing a literary dry spell or who are desperate for feedback on their TV pilots. Either party may terminate this agreement without notice, just like most adult friendships."

  • How to Befriend An Introvert: An F.A.Q.

    • "Thinking about befriending an introvert? Congratulations! This can be an exciting moment in your life, as well as for the introvert if you don’t bring a large group."


Weekly Humorist

  • Yelp Reviews of The Last Supper

    • “I came here with a big group and we were immediately seated. Our meal started off with bread and wine, but not nothing too special. Not sure why our table had chairs only on one side?”



  • An Emergency Meeting Between the Apps on My iPhone

    • "IPHONE: Hey everyone, sorry to call a meeting on such a short notice, but we need to deal with the present crisis. Irving’s been on the couch for the past seven hours. I know we’re all tired, but we have to do something."

  • One Thousand and One Millennial Nights

    • "One Thousand and One Millennial Nights, otherwise known as Just Chillin’ Nights, is a collection of early 21st century folk tales that were originally published during the Golden Age of Athleisure."

  • Confucius Disobeys His Tiger Mom

    • "CONFUCIUS (to himself): Let’s see, what about wording it this way…it does not matter how slow you go as long as you — // MOM: Confucius, are you studying for the SAT?"

  • Socrates Angers His Therapist

    • "SOCRATES: Hey Doc, thanks for seeing me on such a short notice. // DR. FISHBEIN: Of course, anything for my most enlightened patient. Tell me, what’s bothering you?"

  • Men Who Journal: A Lifetime Series Special

    • "The following is a narration transcript of the opening scene in Men Who Journal, a one-hour documentary special that aired on the Lifetime channel. It followed three American men from all walks of life, chronicling their upbringing to understand their deep love of journaling."


The Cooper Review

  • Study: Toyota Prius Ownership Linked to Al Gore Fetish

    • "Boasting that this was the fastest experiment they’ve ever conducted, a study published by Stanford University in The American Journal of Psychology revealed that there is a strong link between people who own a Toyota Prius and a fetish for Al Gore, former Vice President of the United States."