The New Yorker
Perpetuating the cycle of toxic envy on Instagram, binge-watching TV while professing a love of reading, and other live-withable contradictions.
Customers who still can’t find a steady job also bought “A Tale of Two Art-History Degrees.”
Occasional Voice Crackodine, Inability to Maintain Strong Eye Contactury, and other elements.
Automated Web-series creation, deep text-message analysis, and other developments in machine learning.
Breakups, gravitational vortices, and other possible motivations for a new hairdo.
An assortment of trendy, age-appropriate venues for thirtysomethings.
“I cannot teach anybody anything. I can only make him think that I’m doing this Skype call with the bottom half of this business-casual outfit on.”
“Warning: Side effects may include strong emotional reactions of public envy.”
“The amygdala had everything a millennial neuron could hope for: frequent existential crises, a modern kitchen stocked with therapy, and Wi-Fi.”
“ROMEO: My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth with a tender kiss…
JULIET: Um, I shalt not wanteth sexual congress.”
“You majored in philosophy and passed Employment Street. In five hundred feet, make a U-turn onto Grad School Boulevard."
“BRUTUS: Well, we still need to figure out how we’ll get Caesar to attend. Marketing thinks we should create a Facebook event called “The Ides of March.” Thoughts?”
“I’m really good at writing, editing my writing, and staring at my face in the mirror while contemplating the inner Congo of my insignificant but adverb-filled existence.”
“Have you eaten yet?” = “I love you.”
“Thank you for your email. I am out of the office with limited internet. Please expect a delayed response or the deafening silence of our indifferent universe.”
"Mark Twain: Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off your Gilmore Girls Netflix marathon and join me for a drink.
“Emotions are for the weak.”
"is “thus spoke zarathustra" SEO-friendly"
"It’s rumored that empty bottles of kombucha shelter the fallen souls of Lululemon employees."
"I’m usually played by John Cho or Lucy Liu. Sometimes B.D. Wong. But that’s pretty much it."
"I don’t mean to complain, but life can be so hard. Sometimes, I just want to get away from it all and finally write that memoir about my white privilege."
Funny Or Die
"Are you a fairly bland person who wants to appear interesting at parties but don’t know how? Or do you just want to get laid?"
"Honestly, I don’t need much to survive. As long as my trust fund transfers $20,000 into my bank account every month, I should be good."
"The Interrogator // We've all been there before: end up with an Uber driver who'll bombard you with five questions before you can even say, 'please just leave me alone.'"
The Bold Italic
"Unlike traditional escape rooms, Brain will force you to confront the darkest challenges inside your mind, like whether you should text your ex or listen to Adele’s breathtaking 25 album for the 78th time while shedding tears onto your dying succulent."
"In light of meditation’s growing popularity, I decided to take a seven-day retreat to escape my upper-class life. And in the blink of swiping my Amex Platinum, I found myself one with Earth Mother."
"It doesn’t matter if you begin each day with yoga, SoulCycle or doing yoga while SoulCycling — having a morning routine can help you crush the day and also some pistachios if you’re into that sort of thing."
"From braving the wind chill of San Francisco to raising the confidence of start-up founders, Patagonia fleeces have endured it all."
"Scores of people have abandoned San Francisco due to rising rent prices. But not me. I left so I can spend more money in New York City."
"I don’t care what you say—first impressions matter. And as far as first impressions go, I’m sick and tired of always being introduced as a rescue. I have a name, and it’s Kip Kipington. Woof."
"What local statute asserts that throwing compost into the trash is punishable by death?"
Points In Case
“I have enough confidence to say “I drew you a bath.”
"This contract hereinafter outlines the benefits that may be exchanged between two writers experiencing a literary dry spell or who are desperate for feedback on their TV pilots. Either party may terminate this agreement without notice, just like most adult friendships."
"Jealous of Othello, Roderigo conspires with Iago to hatch an intricate plan of publicly shaming the Moorish prince on Twitter, but their schemes are foiled because of scheduling conflicts."
"GANDALF: Um, you’re still using the Palantír? I’ve been using Google Street View."
"Product arrived in good condition, but I didn’t expect it to be so short."
"Thinking about befriending an introvert? Congratulations! This can be an exciting moment in your life, as well as for the introvert if you don’t bring a large group."
“The second rule of Book Club is you do not talk about Book Club, unless it’s only thing in your life that puts you in contact with humans and fancy cheese.”
“I like a pickled dinosaur. A regular dinosaur I’m not so interested in.”
“The Lord of the Rings: A nosey numbskull lost his nosey ring to nosey small people.”
“Sir Arthur Conan Doyle: You’re the world’s biggest fan of Benedict Cumberbatch.”
“I came here with a big group and we were immediately seated. Our meal started off with bread and wine, but not nothing too special. Not sure why our table had chairs only on one side?”
"Romeo falls in love with Juliet despite a heated encounter with her cousin Tybalt at Whole Foods, where he takes from him the last ripe avocado. They argue and Romeo kills him with his tote bag."
"IPHONE: Hey everyone, sorry to call a meeting on such a short notice, but we need to deal with the present crisis. Irving’s been on the couch for the past seven hours. I know we’re all tired, but we have to do something."
"Neither lethal nor inviting, Instagram-Man possesses the power of politely asking superheroes to pause for a group photo, which usually just involves them jumping."
"One Thousand and One Millennial Nights, otherwise known as Just Chillin’ Nights, is a collection of early 21st century folk tales that were originally published during the Golden Age of Athleisure."
"CONFUCIUS (to himself): Let’s see, what about wording it this way…it does not matter how slow you go as long as you — // MOM: Confucius, are you studying for the SAT?"
"SOCRATES: Hey Doc, thanks for seeing me on such a short notice. // DR. FISHBEIN: Of course, anything for my most enlightened patient. Tell me, what’s bothering you?"
"EVE: Sorry we’re late, Adam was busy naming a new species again."
"It should then be of no surprise that ever since I stopped watching TV, I’ve become undeniably more cultured."
"BUDDHA: I’m called many things, but I usually go by Buddha, The All Knowing One, or Randy."
"Anybody seen my mug? I may have left it in the conference room on the 3rd floor. Thanks!"
"We’re looking for a clean, friendly, and young professional to join our lovely home as we continue our glorious journey of world gentrification."
"As God, I’m sick and tired of hearing all these fucking H.R. complaints about my unpaid angel internships."
"What you choose will decide the fate of your relationship, and ultimately, mankind. Thank you."
"It took place next to a real, crackling fireplace at Blue Bottle Coffee in San Francisco and was moderated by Oprah Winfrey."
"The following is a narration transcript of the opening scene in Men Who Journal, a one-hour documentary special that aired on the Lifetime channel. It followed three American men from all walks of life, chronicling their upbringing to understand their deep love of journaling."
"First, I had to wake up my co-founder, Dr. Ponzo. There were specks of Mescaline on his Patagonia fleece and four half-smoked joints by his drooling mouth."
The Cooper Review
"In what sources are describing as an absolute catastrophe, 21-year-old local resident and startup CEO Eric Foster realized halfway through his pitch to venture capitalists that he had no idea what the fuck he was saying."
"After driving his new Tesla Model S around for a week, 43-year-old Bill Gibbons told reporters Friday morning that he was surprised the car did not give his ego a boost like he expected."
"Feeling the need to stay organized amidst such a tragic event, local resident and product manager Bryan Johnson felt it was necessary to send family members a Google Calendar invite for grandma Betty’s funeral, sources confirmed Wednesday."
"Still embracing outdated views that are no longer true nor ethical, local resident and Internet thought leader Ken Blake is convinced the world is trending in the direction of his patriarchal biases, sources confirmed Friday."
"Boasting that this was the fastest experiment they’ve ever conducted, a study published by Stanford University in The American Journal of Psychology revealed that there is a strong link between people who own a Toyota Prius and a fetish for Al Gore, former Vice President of the United States."