McSweeney's: Famous Author's Tinder Openers

Mark Twain: Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off your Gilmore Girls Netflix marathon and join me for a drink.


McSweeney's: Navy SEAL Drill Instructor Or My Asian Dad?

“Emotions are for the weak.”


McSweeney's: Nietzsche's Google Search History

is “thus spoke zarathustra" SEO-friendly


Funny Or Die: 5 Ways to Appear Interesting At Parties

Are you a fairly bland person who wants to appear interesting at parties but don’t know how? Or do you just want to get laid?


Funny Or Die: College Graduate Renounces All Possessions Except Trust Fund

Honestly, I don’t need much to survive. As long as my trust fund transfers $20,000 into my bank account every month, I should be good.


Slackjaw: An Emergency Meeting Between the Apps on My iPhone

IPHONE: Hey everyone, sorry to call a meeting on such a short notice, but we need to deal with the present crisis. Irving’s been on the couch for the past seven hours. I know we’re all tired, but we have to do something.


Slackjaw: One Thousand and One Millennial Nights

One Thousand and One Millennial Nights, otherwise known as Just Chillin’ Nights, is a collection of early 21st century folk tales that were originally published during the Golden Age of Athleisure.


Slackjaw: Confucius Disobeys His Tiger Mom

CONFUCIUS (to himself): Let’s see, what about wording it this way…it does not matter how slow you go as long as you —

MOM: Confucius, are you studying for the SAT?


Slackjaw: Socrates Angers His Therapist

SOCRATES: Hey Doc, thanks for seeing me on such a short notice.

DR. FISHBEIN: Of course, anything for my most enlightened patient. Tell me, what’s bothering you?


Slackjaw: I Don’t Watch TV Because I’m Too Busy Sacrificing Oysters to Poseidon

It should then be of no surprise that ever since I stopped watching TV, I’ve become undeniably more cultured.


Slackjaw: Buddha Drops In On Yoga Class

BUDDHA: I’m called many things, but I usually go by Buddha, The All Knowing One, or Randy.


Book Club Members Look Forward to Discussing Nancy's Divorce

LOS ANGELES, CA — Despite having a myriad of thoughts and opinions on Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale, members of the Glendale Book Club told reporters Wednesday that they were instead looking forward to discussing Nancy’s divorce.


Study: Dinner Organizers Struggling to Satisfy Every Friend's Food Preference at Major Risk for Heart Attack

BALTIMORE, MD — In what scientists are claiming to be a growing concern among people who dine out, a study published by Johns Hopkins University in the American Heart Association revealed that dinner organizers trying to satisfy every friend’s food preference are at major risk for a heart attack.


Slackjaw: Missing Mug Last Seen Inside 3rd Floor Conference Room

To: All Staff
11:05 AM
Subject: Missing Mug

Anybody seen my mug? I may have left it in the conference room on the 3rd floor. Thanks!


Last Piece of Calamari Wishes Somebody Would Just Eat It Already

BROOKLYN, NY — In what felt like hours watching the group of friends all eyeing him, recently deep-fried Colin the Calamari told reporters Wednesday that it wishes somebody would just eat it already.


Slackjaw: Looking For New Roommate to Gentrify This Neighborhood With

We’re looking for a clean, friendly, and young professional to join our lovely home as we continue our glorious journey of world gentrification.


I Am God And Hereby Decree That Unpaid Angel Internships Will Fucking Stay

As God, I’m sick and tired of hearing all these fucking H.R. complaints about my unpaid angel internships. 


Slackjaw: Relationship Advice From a TED Talk Speaker

What you choose will decide the fate of your relationship, and ultimately, mankind. Thank you.


Cooper Review: In Middle of VC Pitch, Startup CEO Realizes He Has No Idea What the Fuck He’s Saying

In what sources are describing as an absolute catastrophe, 21-year-old local resident and startup CEO Eric Foster realized halfway through his pitch to venture capitalists that he had no idea what the fuck he was saying.


The Six Fifty: Dear Bay Area Parents, Your Toddler Is Falling Behind In the Following Ways

We noted several areas for improvement that we think will help Emma reach the board-recommended goal of self-actualization by age seven.


Area Man Cancels Gym Membership After Starting New Relationship

AUSTIN, TX — In what his married friends are describing as a totally unsurprising move, 29-year-old area man Tyler Redford told reporters Thursday that he canceled his gym membership after starting a new relationship.


Billionaire Encourages Young People to Pursue Their Unemployable Passions

Taking time away from pursuing his passion of buying Monets, area man and local billionaire David Beckett told reporters Monday that young people should do whatever they can to follow their unemployable passions.


Cooper Review: New Tesla Owner Surprised By No Boost to Fragile Ego

After driving his new Tesla Model S around for a week, 43-year-old Bill Gibbons told reporters Friday morning that he was surprised the car did not give his ego a boost like he expected.


College Graduate Excited to Pick People’s Brains Over Coffee Until Kingdom Come

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Feeling motivated to absorb as much knowledge as he can, new college graduate Nick Gavin told reporters Thursday that he was excited to pick people’s brains over coffee until kingdom come.


A Fireside Chat with Soul Cycle and CrossFit

It took place next to a real, crackling fireplace at Blue Bottle Coffee in San Francisco and was moderated by Oprah Winfrey.


It Was Nice Meeting You

As she waits for Tom to arrive, Kayla refreshes her Instagram feed for the 3rd time in five minutes. Nothing new.


Men Who Journal: A Lifetime Series Special

The following is a narration transcript of the opening scene in Men Who Journal, a one-hour documentary special that aired on the Lifetime channel. It followed three American men from all walks of life, chronicling their upbringing to understand their deep love of journaling.


You Were So Interesting

We both lamented over the long brunch lines in San Francisco. You had a few ideas on optimizing it, including some clever A/B tests.


Fear and Loathing in Blue Bottle Coffee, Part I

First, I had to wake up my co-founder, Dr. Ponzo. There were specks of Mescaline on his Patagonia fleece and four half-smoked joints by his drooling mouth.


First Date Sees Hope When Both Realize They Love Netflix

NEWARK, NJ — In what sources are describing as an unsurprising turn of events on a first date, local residents Kate Jessip and David Todd told reporters Wednesday morning that they saw a glimmer of hope when both realized they love Netflix.


The Diary of a Google Bicycle

Day 1

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I can’t wait to show off my rainbow colors, I feel so unique!


Package Shipped: Thoughts and Prayers, 7 oz.

Your package should be delivered within the next 3 to 5 business days, though we have received reports that it can be as fast as a tweet gets posted.


The Diary of Alexander Hamilton

Weeks after setting sail from St. Croix, we finally arrive at the colonies. Most of the crew contracted scurvy, but I survived.


Woman Spends Five Hours Setting Up the Perfect Photo of Risotto

28-year-old woman Heather Benedict was reported to have taken five hours setting up the perfect photo for the risotto she and her boyfriend cooked for lunch.


The Ultimate Buyer's Guide: Tesla Model S or X

There’s never been a better time to buy a new Tesla than now. And what better place to spend your startup’s IPO money than in Silicon Valley?


Influenza Strain A1N1 Affecting Millions of Americans

The number of Americans affected by the latest influenza strain, A1N1 (“Alt News”), has experienced a sharp uptick since January 20th