The New Yorker
“ROMEO: My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth with a tender kiss… //
JULIET: Um, I shalt not wanteth sexual congress.”
“You majored in philosophy and passed Employment Street. In five hundred feet, make a U-turn onto Grad School Boulevard."
“Thank you for your email. I am out of the office with limited internet. Please expect a delayed response or the deafening silence of our indifferent universe.”
"Mark Twain: Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off your Gilmore Girls Netflix marathon and join me for a drink.
“Emotions are for the weak.”
"is “thus spoke zarathustra" SEO-friendly"
"It’s rumored that empty bottles of kombucha shelter the fallen souls of Lululemon employees."
"I’m usually played by John Cho or Lucy Liu. Sometimes B.D. Wong. But that’s pretty much it."
"I don’t mean to complain, but life can be so hard. Sometimes, I just want to get away from it all and finally write that memoir about my white privilege."
Funny Or Die
"Are you a fairly bland person who wants to appear interesting at parties but don’t know how? Or do you just want to get laid?"
"Honestly, I don’t need much to survive. As long as my trust fund transfers $20,000 into my bank account every month, I should be good."
"The Interrogator // We've all been there before: end up with an Uber driver who'll bombard you with five questions before you can even say, 'please just leave me alone.'"
The Bold Italic
"In light of meditation’s growing popularity, I decided to take a seven-day retreat to escape my upper-class life. And in the blink of swiping my Amex Platinum, I found myself one with Earth Mother."
"It doesn’t matter if you begin each day with yoga, SoulCycle or doing yoga while SoulCycling — having a morning routine can help you crush the day and also some pistachios if you’re into that sort of thing."
"From braving the wind chill of San Francisco to raising the confidence of start-up founders, Patagonia fleeces have endured it all."
"Scores of people have abandoned San Francisco due to rising rent prices. But not me. I left so I can spend more money in New York City."
"I don’t care what you say—first impressions matter. And as far as first impressions go, I’m sick and tired of always being introduced as a rescue. I have a name, and it’s Kip Kipington. Woof."
"What local statute asserts that throwing compost into the trash is punishable by death?"
Points In Case
"Jealous of Othello, Roderigo conspires with Iago to hatch an intricate plan of publicly shaming the Moorish prince on Twitter, but their schemes are foiled because of scheduling conflicts."
"GANDALF: Um, you’re still using the Palantír? I’ve been using Google Street View."
"Product arrived in good condition, but I didn’t expect it to be so short."
"Thinking about befriending an introvert? Congratulations! This can be an exciting moment in your life, as well as for the introvert if you don’t bring a large group."
“The second rule of Book Club is you do not talk about Book Club, unless it’s only thing in your life that puts you in contact with humans and fancy cheese.”
“I like a pickled dinosaur. A regular dinosaur I’m not so interested in.”
“The Lord of the Rings: A nosey numbskull lost his nosey ring to nosey small people.”
“Sir Arthur Conan Doyle: You’re the world’s biggest fan of Benedict Cumberbatch.”
“I came here with a big group and we were immediately seated. Our meal started off with bread and wine, but not nothing too special. Not sure why our table had chairs only on one side?”
"Romeo falls in love with Juliet despite a heated encounter with her cousin Tybalt at Whole Foods, where he takes from him the last ripe avocado. They argue and Romeo kills him with his tote bag."
"A proper pregame warm-up consists of catching up with your team on how 'it’s been way too long since everyone had to wait this long for brunch.'"
The Higgs Weldon
"Finally have a legitimate reason to train for a marathon that doesn’t involve Instagram."
"IPHONE: Hey everyone, sorry to call a meeting on such a short notice, but we need to deal with the present crisis. Irving’s been on the couch for the past seven hours. I know we’re all tired, but we have to do something."
"Neither lethal nor inviting, Instagram-Man possesses the power of politely asking superheroes to pause for a group photo, which usually just involves them jumping."
"One Thousand and One Millennial Nights, otherwise known as Just Chillin’ Nights, is a collection of early 21st century folk tales that were originally published during the Golden Age of Athleisure."
"CONFUCIUS (to himself): Let’s see, what about wording it this way…it does not matter how slow you go as long as you — // MOM: Confucius, are you studying for the SAT?"
"SOCRATES: Hey Doc, thanks for seeing me on such a short notice. // DR. FISHBEIN: Of course, anything for my most enlightened patient. Tell me, what’s bothering you?"
"EVE: Sorry we’re late, Adam was busy naming a new species again."
"It should then be of no surprise that ever since I stopped watching TV, I’ve become undeniably more cultured."
"BUDDHA: I’m called many things, but I usually go by Buddha, The All Knowing One, or Randy."
"Anybody seen my mug? I may have left it in the conference room on the 3rd floor. Thanks!"
"We’re looking for a clean, friendly, and young professional to join our lovely home as we continue our glorious journey of world gentrification."
"As God, I’m sick and tired of hearing all these fucking H.R. complaints about my unpaid angel internships."
"What you choose will decide the fate of your relationship, and ultimately, mankind. Thank you."
"It took place next to a real, crackling fireplace at Blue Bottle Coffee in San Francisco and was moderated by Oprah Winfrey."
"The following is a narration transcript of the opening scene in Men Who Journal, a one-hour documentary special that aired on the Lifetime channel. It followed three American men from all walks of life, chronicling their upbringing to understand their deep love of journaling."
"First, I had to wake up my co-founder, Dr. Ponzo. There were specks of Mescaline on his Patagonia fleece and four half-smoked joints by his drooling mouth."
The Cooper Review
"In what sources are describing as an absolute catastrophe, 21-year-old local resident and startup CEO Eric Foster realized halfway through his pitch to venture capitalists that he had no idea what the fuck he was saying."
"After driving his new Tesla Model S around for a week, 43-year-old Bill Gibbons told reporters Friday morning that he was surprised the car did not give his ego a boost like he expected."
"Feeling the need to stay organized amidst such a tragic event, local resident and product manager Bryan Johnson felt it was necessary to send family members a Google Calendar invite for grandma Betty’s funeral, sources confirmed Wednesday."
"Still embracing outdated views that are no longer true nor ethical, local resident and Internet thought leader Ken Blake is convinced the world is trending in the direction of his patriarchal biases, sources confirmed Friday."
"Boasting that this was the fastest experiment they’ve ever conducted, a study published by Stanford University in The American Journal of Psychology revealed that there is a strong link between people who own a Toyota Prius and a fetish for Al Gore, former Vice President of the United States."
The Six Fifty
"We noted several areas for improvement that we think will help Emma reach the board-recommended goal of self-actualization by age seven."
"The year is 2115. Everyone on earth has access to the Internet, Amazon Prime, and their own Etsy store as humanity continues to prosper in a brave new world."
"Apple, Google, Facebook, and Amazon all sit together at Thanksgiving dinner. Per annual tradition, they traveled away from Silicon Valley and rented out a cozy Airbnb near a quaint and air-conditioned server farm."
"LOS ANGELES, CA — Despite having a myriad of thoughts and opinions on Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale, members of the Glendale Book Club told reporters Wednesday that they were instead looking forward to discussing Nancy’s divorce."
"BALTIMORE, MD — In what scientists are claiming to be a growing concern among people who dine out, a study published by Johns Hopkins University in the American Heart Association revealed that dinner organizers trying to satisfy every friend’s food preference are at major risk for a heart attack."
"BROOKLYN, NY — In what felt like hours watching the group of friends all eyeing him, recently deep-fried Colin the Calamari told reporters Wednesday that it wishes somebody would just eat it already."
"AUSTIN, TX — In what his married friends are describing as a totally unsurprising move, 29-year-old area man Tyler Redford told reporters Thursday that he canceled his gym membership after starting a new relationship."
"NEW YORK, NY—Taking time away from pursuing his passion of buying Monets, area man and local billionaire David Beckett told reporters Monday that young people should do whatever they can to follow their unemployable passions."
"SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Feeling motivated to absorb as much knowledge as he can, new college graduate Nick Gavin told reporters Thursday that he was excited to pick people’s brains over coffee until kingdom come."
"NEWARK, NJ — In what sources are describing as an unsurprising turn of events on a first date, local residents Kate Jessip and David Todd told reporters Wednesday morning that they saw a glimmer of hope when both realized they love Netflix."
"As she waits for Tom to arrive, Kayla refreshes her Instagram feed for the 3rd time in five minutes. Nothing new."
"Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I can’t wait to show off my rainbow colors, I feel so unique!"
"Your package should be delivered within the next 3 to 5 business days, though we have received reports that it can be as fast as a tweet gets posted."
"28-year-old woman Heather Benedict was reported to have taken five hours setting up the perfect photo for the risotto she and her boyfriend cooked for lunch."
"The number of Americans affected by the latest influenza strain, A1N1 (“Alt News”), has experienced a sharp uptick since January 20th."